If you are on the adoption journey, it can be hard to know where to start. There are so many options out there and many opinions. When we think about what kind of adoption journey we want to take it can be overwhelming at first. There are so many avenues that we can take to find the child that will fit in our family. Often times the reality is that there are many things to consider when going after adoption. I have been through the journey as a single parent and have met and learned from many friends who have had many different kinds of adoptions. Here are some things that I learned
1) Research– Often times we start with this because it’s the easiest way to gather information. There are generally 3 kinds of adoption: International, Domestic, and Foster to Adopt. Everyone has their opinions about these options but I will say that all of them have risks and rewards. International adoption is very expensive and sometimes you can lose the baby even when you have paid all the fees due to the mother changing her mind. This has happened to some friends of mine. It was quite devastating. Domestic is cheaper than international adoption but still expensive. The birth parent can also change their mind so there’s still a risk. The last one is foster to adopt and the risks are they could reunify with their birth parent or they can come with major behavioral problems that will require support. I don’t know about you but when I’m doing research on a new topic I need to take notes and keep all of my ideas organized. Here’s a cute notebook that you can keep records in and are able to keep writing your progress in. It’s important you keep the memories because they will be an important part of their story as well as yours.
2) Finances– Let’s talk money! I know it’s a super uncomfortable topic sometimes in life but in adoption it’s a very vital topic. We have to talk about the financing of adoption because it’s very vital. International adoption is can cost over $100,000 and domestic it can be anywhere from $20,000-$60,000. Foster to adopt is a different matter. Many states will give you a monthly stipend to take care of the child even after adoption the monthly payments will not stop till they are 18. This helps to ensure that they are well taken care of. Adoption fees are not covered however and oftentimes are very low cost out of pocket. The sad thing is often time people will think foster care is a quick way to make money which is not true. You aren’t getting a lot of money it’s often not even enough to cover the child’s needs. You should never take in a child if you are trying to get money. There are many ways to raise money for adoption. Many people I know use Gofundme or other websites that help to raise money. Here’s a great book that can give you a lot of ideas on how you can raise money without going into debt!
3) What kind of child do we want/are able to care for? It’s important to ask these questions at the beginning of the process because there are a lot of children who need homes and many of them have high needs. Being adopted comes with a level of trauma. Someone had to lose something for this child to be available. Some children come with physical needs and some with cultural needs as well. You have to decide ahead of time. It’s important that you know what would be best for them and for you. Each child that is adopted deserves the best possible situation for their success. Adoption can’t just fulfill a need it needs to be what’s best for the child as well. Be honest in the dialogue with yourself, your spouse, and your family. Understand a lot of this will not be in your control and that can be hard. Make sure that you also speak with a therapist about your needs and motivations. Here’s a book that helps to see it from the adopted child’s perspective.
4) Make a Needs List- Many times in adoption you start from scratch. If you are reading this blog you most likely haven’t been through the process before. If you have a rough idea of what age, gender, or race you are considering for adoption start to gather the items that would make your life easier. There are so many things that you can pre-prep for. If you are planning to adopt a baby start gathering baby things. This also helps to give you hope throughout the process. With my daughter, before she arrived, I would get one baby item every time I went into the store. This helped to keep hope alive in the harder times when I didn’t know if I was going to be able to follow through with the adoption. Think of clothing, toys, books, etc. You can start getting rooms renovated and decorated. Sometimes this can feel like jumping the gun but I find it helps to keep hope alive. I love to shop at Walmart for some quick things as well when you are forgetting something. Especially in foster care and you get them quickly.
5) Have a Plan– I think the biggest thing when thinking about adoption is to take steps towards what you want. It’s a lot of work filling out paperwork, choosing which agency, doing research etc. Even in foster care it’s a lot of preparation and thought that has to go into getting ready to have a child. It’s so important that you have a list of steps that you need to take in order to help you move forward into the future. Every day you can take a step closer to your process. Sometimes there will be waiting periods where there may be a lot of time. You can get anxious waiting or thinking about the process. This is a good time to make a list of action items that need to be done. Help focus on what you can control and not on what you can’t. This will help you be in a great frame of mind when you do receive news. Here’s a great way to organize your to-do list!
6) Prepare for Your Home Study- A home study can be an intimidating process. The social worker will ask you very in-depth questions about who you are and what your past experience is. This is a very vital process because they want to make sure the child that ends up in your home is a good fit for you and you will be able to give them what they need. Here’s an article that will help with exactly what they will go over. My personal advice is, to be honest about being human. We all have our things. They aren’t looking for perfection they are looking for a home that will protect, support, and give a child what they need in the way of a good family. It’s important that you have all of your records together because they will be running background checks, finances, taxes, etc. Because you will handle so much paperwork here is something I used to keep all of the information organized.
7) Gather Referal Letters- Every agency is different but they will all need referral letters. Some of them have rules about how they want those referral letters handled but this is part of the process. Have an idea ahead of time about who you are going to ask for character references. Many places prefer it not to be family members and the longer the person knows you the better. These letters can go a long way in speaking to what types of parents you will be so they are very important when it comes to who you get the letters from. Speak to the people about your desire to adopt so they know that you have been wanting this as part of how you build your family. Not everyone will be a good choice to approach about writing a letter of reference so make sure that you choose wisely.
8) Find Your Support Team– We all know the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”. Well, it’s true. It’s even more important when you adopt. That village needs to be strong because there will be days when you doubt yourself, you are exhausted, you’re emotional, or you think you made a mistake. All of these thoughts and feelings are normal throughout the process but it’s so important that you have someone there that can help you through all of those feelings. Many people don’t realize the toll that adoption can have on your emotions, wallet, mental health, and even physical health. Having a group of people that can understand and support you is vital to your success. If you don’t have family or friends that are near enough to support you you can reach out to local organizations that help to support you in the process.
9) Have Childcare Ideas Lined Up– It’s not only important to have support for yourself during this process of adoption but you will need some babysitters. Take it from me when you are way over your limit and exhausted you will need someone to come in and help even if it’s just for you to be able to take a nap. There will be questions about childcare from the social worker especially if you and your spouse are both working or if you are single how will you manage work-life balance. These are very important questions to walk through when you are going through your process. Depending on what agency or path you choose they may need to do a background check on babysitters or verify you are enrolled in child care. When you have a birth child you might now think about childcare until you need it but they will question you about this so be ready.
10) Educate Yourself– Make sure that you educate yourself on adoption issues as well as the culture of your child. It’s important that you make sure to know the information that is most vital for their success. Many times when we start a journey like this there are a lot of things that we don’t know and that’s ok. We learn as we go. I know the biggest pet peeve of mine is when I hear people say she must be grateful to you for adopting her. She didn’t get a choice so why would she be grateful. I think that it’s important that we know as adoptive parents we aren’t the saviors we are just there to give these kids the chance they always deserved because they are human. Read books about adopted kids like this book or this one. Also very important is to have a plan for parenting style. Here’s a great book on parenting adopted or foster children. The more you research the more you will be equipped to handle anything that comes at you.
11) Be Wise and Be Ready– On this adoption journey, anything can happen. It’s important that you are ready and willing to be flexible but wise. There are moments when you will have to make some very hard decisions and those are the times that you need to be able to listen to your inner voice to tell you the right path to take. Often times you will need to take a moment and make a thoughtful decision and that’s when you can know that you are ready. It’s often hard to make wise decisions in the midst of an emotional journey but often times it’s very important to look at the facts as well as the emotions.
12) Be Patient- One of the hardest things to do in this journey is to wait but often times that’s what the adoption journey is a wait. It can often be frustrating when you aren’t hearing from the people you want to hear from or getting the information you want. Usually, the social workers are working as hard as they can to make the best fit for the child and family. Be patient as you want for your child because it will be worth it in the end. This is a lifelong commitment and it will be a life-changing experience in the end. Be thankful for each step forward and know that you will never be the same at the end of the journey.
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