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Foster parenting can be a hard but rewarding job. I say job because it really is a lot of work but it is worth it in the end. Kids come into care broken, in pain, and confused most of the time. Their lives have been turned upside down and they are still developing so their capacity to understand what’s happening is very low depending on their age. Over the years I have found a few tips and tricks that can help children feel welcome and special when they first arrive at your house!
Smell– I know it sounds strange but it’s so important that the first thing the kid smells when they come into the house is something pleasant. I had a foster daughter one time who came into my house and said she had such a feeling of calm because I was diffusing lavender. She said her favorite foster mom up until then had put lavender on her pillow so she could sleep at night. Many of these children have been exposed to awful smells in their lifetime. Maybe it was the smell of cigarettes, drugs, feces, urine, or general filth. Having a good smell is so important! Here’s a diffuser I found that is great! I also recommend making sure that your house is somewhat clean. I know it’s hard to get it all done especially if it’s an emergency placement but it is important that the first impressions are ones that bring comfort.
Bathing Essentials– I remember when the social worker first handed me my 5-week-old daughter thinking how tiny she was and then the next thing I thought was are those bugs crawling in her hair?! Many kids that I know who come into care tend to have bathing issues. They come not clean, infested with lice or bedbug bites, or dirty clothing. All of these things can be very stressful for a child and if they aren’t used to having consistent cleansing routines they can become quite distressed. One way to help with this is to have a bathing cady ready to go. Depending on the age will depend on what you put in the caddy. Here’s a caddy I use even for my daughter it helps her keep her bathing items in one place since we have several people who take showers and she doesn’t want anyone using her things. You can keep these scrubbers on hand so you have a couple available. I try and assemble the caddy beforehand if I have enough time. If they don’t like an item or prefer something else we can change it later. Always give them that option because they probably had no control before and now is a time to give them a little control by giving them choices. For teens, I add a razor (if they are mentally stable talk with the social worker). Grab kids all in one soap container and bubbles. Here is an option for the all-in-one for kiddos. You can use that same soap for the bubble part. For teens, I usually grab these for the body soap and these for the shampoo and conditioner these smell so good, especially for girls! I know it can seem a bit pricey at first but it’s about them feeling valuable and worth it! Here’s something I found the boys like it’s all in one and you get a 2 pack it’s worth it! Make sure that you treat their lice right away and grab the kit ahead of time. I always have one stocked just in case. It can be a long process to get bugs out but it will make them so much more comfortable and even better they will not spread in your house! If they are scared to get into water start slow with the sink or a bucket. Help them by making them a part of the bathing process and make it fun! Water can be scary for them sometimes.
Clean Fresh Bedding– Depending on your set up this is so important! Once you get those kiddos clean you want to be able to give them a clean place to sleep. Most likely they have come from a traumatic environment where sleep or places to sleep were not a priority or had a lot of traumatic moments associated with it. When I had teen girls I would often take them to Target the second day I had them and let them pick out all of their own bedding as well as their own bath towels. I did this mainly because it gave them a sense of control and ownership. They have never had their own towel or sheet set before and it was so thrilling to see their face when they got to choose their own bedding. For many of the teens, I got them their own comforter as well to go with whatever decor they wanted their room to be in. Little kids don’t always need that control but I always made sure they had fresh sheets and a freshly made bed when they came into care. Here’s a simple set of sheets that are so comfortable! Also, I recommend with little kiddos you have a liner on the bed. Bedwetting is very common in foster kids. Along with fresh bedding, I love to add their own soft fuzzy blanket. There is something about a soft blanket that brings comfort. With littles, you can ask them what their favorite characters are and get the blankets that have that character on them. Here’s a fun one for little girls. This one is more for boys and it glows in the dark! Some of the children will come with a blanket that was given to them by their birth family. Make sure you treat that with a lot of care. Foster kids are very attached to objects from their birth family.
Food/Snacks/Drinks– Food is a big deal with foster kids. Many of them haave been starved or have had trauma around food. Hording of food can often happen with kids newly in care. Because they didn’t have access to food they had to steal it and hide it. That habit is not easily broken and restricting access to food will not break them of that habit. You have to slowly retrain them that they will have consistent food. Meals will be served on a regular basis and they can have access to food whenever they need it. Every situation is different but I’ve heard of foster parents locking their fridges or pantries at night. I don’t think that this approach is good because it re-enforces the reality that they don’t have access to food when they want or need it. When kids first come into care I have a basket of snacks and drinks available. I don’t do any dark sodas but I will put gatorade or sprite in their snack basket. I will show them the pantry where all of the snacks are and I tell them they are allowed to have as much as they want. Over time I will slowly retrain them because the meals will be consistant so their stomachs will be consistantly full they won’t need so many snacks. Here’s a great variety pack that can give you a lot of options on what to put in their snack basket!
Suitcases/Bins– One of the main things I see that makes me so sad for foster kids is that they usually have to haul their belongings in trash bags. I really believe this sends the message that they are like trash to be tossed out. It’s a very strong visual message when you see a kid show up at your door with all their things in trash bags so as soon as I can I spend money on getting them either suitcases or bins. I prefer suitcases especially for teen girls but I’ve bought bins for littler kids in my care so when they leave they have all their toys , books, and clothing organized. Here are some bins with lids that are great! I know that suitcases can get expensive but it will last them so long and most likely no other foster parent will think about it. Here’s one that is very well made and just basic. You can decide if you want to have them pick out one with you or if you will do it for them. If they are older I would either take them to TJ Max or Amazon. Again giving them choices is part of their healing journey!
Photo album– When my daughter came into care she came with a couple pictures. I’ve seen some kids come into care with loose photos and over their transistions they can get torn or destroyed. These pictures are all the memories or momentos that they have from their past. Its a pretty big deal for them to keep them in good shape. Also whether you have them for a short time or a long time make sure that you take pictures. Have them printed out regularly. They won’t have a parent posting on Facebook or Instagram so they won’t have the memories to look back on. Here’s a great option for them it’s simple enough for them to put pictures in and take them out. They won’t always have the option to capture their childhood memories so you have to be intentional for them.
Waterbottle– This goes for not just children in care but any child at all their access to water is very important. For little kids its so important to always have clean water around because they often forget they are thristy and then when their body finally reminds them its an immediate need. Here are some options for little kid water bottles with fun graphics. If you have ever been at someones house especially if you don’t know them it can be akward to ask them for something like water. Imagine a foster kid who has been traumatized by adults in their world and they are now in a house they don’t know and with people they have never met. It can be very intimidating to ask for what you need that is why its the responsability of the foster parent to anticipate their needs and act on it. For example have their water bottle ready to go for them when they get to your house. Show them where they can fill it up or tell them they can just ask you if they need water. Don’t ever act bothered when they express a need this is important in showing them that they are worth it! For teenagers here are some options for water bottles. If kids who come into your care aren’t use to drinking water encourage them little by little to take a sip here and there. Don’t create a negative experience around drinking water because their body needs it!
Coloring Pages/Crayons/Journals/Pens– One important thing that therapists use with kids in trauma is art. It can be away for them to express what has happened with them without having to put it into words. I find that giving kids something to color with or teenagers journals not only helps their creativity but its a theraputic tool thats easy to have in the home. Here is a good set of crayons and you get two boxes so you can have one on hand for your next placement. Often I have blank printer paper for little kiddos available but if you don’t want all their art all over the house here’s a pad where they can just keep it organized. Often times what I see with teens is that they really prefer journaling. Here’s a great simple journal with a wonderful saying on the front. There’s a great saying on the front to remind them that they can survive whats happening in their world. I don’t know too many teens who don’t love a good gel pen. These are a great addition to their journal. Many of these I pre-stock so that they are available when I have last minute placements. It helps kids feel they have been thought about before they arrive.
Fuzzy Socks/Slippers– Having comfortable in house footwear I find brings a lot of comfort to kids. They most likely have never in their life owned a pair of slippers and no one has thought about fuzzy soft socks for them. If they even have regular socks its a miracle. Hands down my favorite slippers are these. I have bought them for my sisters, daughter, and I have 2 pair myself. These are great for pre-teen or teen girls. Have them choose the color they want it will be a great bonding moment. For teen boys these are great! For little kiddos I often will do fuzzy socks because lets be real they won’t keep slippers on their feet. Here is a great pack of socks for both boys and girls! When kids come into care I sometimes will put a little lavender on their feet with the fuzzy socks to help them go to sleep. Often anything you can do to facilitate sleep is important.
Hair brushes– Many kids, especially girls, who come into care have a hard time dealing with their hair. Sometimes, as mentioned above, they have lice or their hair is matted, dirty, or unkempt. Having them have a good brush is important. I try and get the kind that is gentle on tangles and is easy to use on difficult hair. I have yet to see a kid come into my care with their own hair brush it seems like a little thing but it is a big deal. Taking pride in your appearance is imporant and for most foster kids they haven’t been able to do that in the past. Here’s a great set that works well with tangles. If your child has a different texture with more curls this set works great! If you don’t know how to work with different textured hair from your own I suggest do some research or ask those around you. When a child comes to you with tangled and matted hair be gentle and start from the bottom. It might take you a few goes before you get it all but thats ok. Detangle spray is your best friend for sure! Don’t be afraid to use as much as you need initially.
More than anything it’s so great to make kiddos feel comforted and at peace when they are in your home. They have come from chaos and trauma and now need some time to heal. Make your home a place of healing for them! Let me know some of the things that have worked for you in the past I would love to hear your thoughts!
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