Having “The Talk” is a huge milestone in many parents’ lives. If you were anything like me you didn’t really have a great conversation with your parents about sexuality or all the things that go with it. My experience was an anatomy book in the library when I was 13 with my mom in a very awkward exchange of information. That was it for my sex ed. I was quite sheltered as a child however as I’ve grown up I’ve talked to many friends about their first “Talk” with their parents and many of them didn’t even have one.
Normalizing talking about sex with your children should be an intentional step in parenting. My daughter knew from a young age how men and women were different from each other and how procreation worked. At age four my daughter saw my niece being born so…. well there goes that mystery. Since she was a toddler, I appropriately named her anatomy and body parts. Normalizing the language around our body is important because it becomes less stigmatized and forbidden. This also helps to make children less likely to joke or have shame around those words. It also helps children who are being abused to be very specific about what is happening to their bodies.
I started having “The Talk” with my daughter when she was 3. I know what you are thinking.. “How did this kid understand?” She didn’t at the time but I started with ” this is what we call a vagina and this is what we call a penis”. We did a very basic biology lesson. This is a great ground-floor conversation to have with younger children because it all builds up to the sex conversations and future talks.
I live by the law of first mention. This law states that whoever states the information first in your life becomes what you compare all future knowledge to. For example, if I’m the one to first teach my daughter about sex then all the other information she receives in the future about that topic has to be compared to what I originally taught her. This applies to all sorts of things in your child’s life and this is the reason why having “The Talk” not just once but continually over years helps to build trust and knowledge based on your values as a parent.
The First question you need to ask yourself is, in an ideal world what do I want my child to know about sex? Normalizing bodily functions help to step into the next step of the sex conversation. When my daughter was little I never hid my period from her. She saw me managing my time of the month and asked questions about it. I never lied to her about anything. If there was a question that she had that was above her age level I told her that she wasn’t old enough to know that yet but one day I would tell her what she needed to know to be successful.
It’s important that you don’t make up stories about sex that aren’t true because when it comes to the details your children will not know what to believe. The example that I can think of is when parents used to tell children that kissing caused pregnancy or that babies are delivered by birds 🤦🏾♀️. The problem with these conversations, while good intentioned on the part of the parent, breed an underlying mistrust in the information presented. Later, when information that is true is told to them they won’t know what to believe. Always be as truthful as you can even when you think that your child is not age-ready but maybe is emotionally ready to have that conversation go ahead and talk with them.
Every child is different in their maturity level and ability to grasp grown-up information. When sharing conversations around sex with your child make sure that they have the ability to understand and the maturity to process that information. It’s really not about the age but more about how you think the child can handle the information. If they start asking questions about the differences between boys and girls or where babies come from these are great doors for parents to have constructive conversations. Many parents are caught off guard at the moment because they are busy or not mentally ready to have this conversation. Prepare ahead of time to have this conversation. Talk with your co-parent about what those conversations need to look like. If you aren’t ready in the moment tell your child ” This is a very important question you just asked I would love to answer it but we will talk about this (give a specific time) so I can tell you all the things I want to about this topic” Always follow through with that follow up conversation. It’s important that you take that opportunity to educate them about this topic.
After years of laying the groundwork i.e. learning appropriate body parts even the function of how the babies are made, sperm and egg create embryos, you can have the how do the egg and the sperm reach each other conversation. The age range is anywhere from 7-10, after this age they have already heard it from someone either their friends, the internet, or a family member. It’s important that you jump on that information as soon as you feel like they are ready to understand it.
The mechanics of sex is the conversation you have about how all the physical body parts match to create another human being. This conversation’s goal is to talk about how biology works. In this conversation, you will use words like vagina, penis, sperm, sex, and intercourse. This is a very basic talk about how things work to procreate. As your child gets older you start adding layers to this conversation.
Using the foundation of the mechanics of sex conversation you can talk about the following topics that are attached to this conversation and the topics are as follows:
Safety– In this conversation, it’s important that you talk about consent. Consent is when I say yes this is ok that you have sex with me. It’s important that girls and boys both understand that they need to have consent from the other person because if not it can ruin their lives forever. Talk about the effects of drugs or alcohol on the issue of consent. Because drugs and alcohol lower the ability for us to make well- informed decisions it’s important that they know the implications of what happens when you have the ability to make good decisions taken away from you. Specifically with girls talk about consent in relationships and consent in marriage. I’ve talked to countless women who have been raped in their marriages and relationships and no one ever said that wasn’t ok. It’s important that No means No and that girls and boys know that they can walk away at any time that they are feeling unsafe physically.
Hormones– Hormones can be a dirty word when it comes to teenagers because as adults we can dismiss the emotions of a teenager and blame it on hormones. Hormones don’t leave us when we get older we just have a fully developed brain after 25 to reign in the drive that pushes toward the need to have sex. It’s important to talk about how there is a drive to have sex called the sex drive because of our biological need to procreate. For girls/women we have the urge to procreate when our eggs are at their most fertile so we have the best chances of procreating. Boys/Men are told that they can’t control their need to procreate but I believe that we don’t give boys/men enough credit to have self-control. Even though they are driven by hormones they can find ways to manage their urges that don’t create choices that can impact their life forever.
Emotional Connection– Biologically our hormones create emotional connections to the partner we have sex with. This is very important especially for women because when women are pregnant they are vulnerable to the outside world and biologically need to find a mate that will be willing to protect her or provide for her and her infant giving them the best chance at success. This comes with an emotional connection. Hormones are released when people have sex so they are bonded and that bond is vital for the success of the infant. Because we are no longer living in the wild, living off the land we assume that our bodies no longer respond that way because we are now in the modern age where we have birth control, protection, provision, and all the things to keep babies safe. However, our bodies didn’t get the memo that we no longer need the bonding hormones.
These bonding hormones create, especially in teenagers, huge emotions. On social media and TV, sex is often portrayed as very animalistic and detached but in reality, it’s the most vulnerable (if done right) way you can connect with another human, you are literally sharing body parts. With that comes emotions and those emotions need to be heard and processed. When talking to pre-teens it’s important that you talk about the emotional toll this can take. If emotions are not taken into account and ignored for a significant amount of time you can become detached. This often happens to sex slaves or prostitutes. Many of them describe leaving their bodies during the act so they don’t have to feel anything. This is an emotional detachment that is very unhealthy and can lead to dangerous behaviors.
Commitment- Especially for girls, commitment is an important conversation to have. Often times the hormonal outcomes of having sex create those emotional connections. When talking to a pre-teen about sex it’s important to talk about commitment. We live in a very uncommitted society because we have so many options available. It’s very easy to see all the other fish in the sea, so to speak, because of social media. This is not like it has been in the past. Often times you found someone you grew up with or that was in the same social circle or town you were in to create long-term commitments to.
The problem with going from one partner to the other is that there is no resilience built. I am not talking about staying in abusive relationships. That is also a conversation you must have. Abusive behavior from a partner is not acceptable on any level, verbal, physical, or mental. This is why dating is a huge part of the connection process getting to know another person in all different kinds of scenarios is important. Resilience in a relationship is a sign of maturity. We learn how to work out our differences and find a deeper meaningful connection through tough conversations and decisions. Setting up your teen with good tools on what commitment looks like will set them up for future success when they do find a life partner they want to build a life with.
Self-pleasure- Masturbation is a topic that many parents are not comfortable having but it’s an important one. Whether you believe it or not your child has touched themselves at one point in their life not because anything motivated them but curiosity and self-discovery. We are all made with body parts that do amazing things and putting shame on parts of our body doesn’t help anyone to abstain from having sex or stop the curiosity about it so the best course is talking about it head-on. When working with foster kids lots of them, especially those who were sexually molested, often masturbated because it gave them comfort and it feels good. I learned quickly how to have a plan if ever I walked in on them on accident or if I got calls from the school about their behavior.
Depending on your belief system and family culture it’s important that you don’t shame or punish masturbation. You can talk about how it’s important that they explore their body in private and (this is the hard part for parents) they have to learn how to manage their own bodily urges. You can talk about what you believe is best practice or how you managed your sexual urges when you were younger but avoiding this topic won’t line up with the law of first mention and their friends will tell them all sorts of things that might not be true.
Pornography- Pornography is one of the most damaging things that has happened to humanity because of a couple of reasons. One, it physically alters your brain chemistry to create detachment towards sex, especially for boys/men. It presents a detached non-human connection with people who are often time being exploited on the screens. Often times it’s very addictive and disruptive to real relationships with other life partners and creates shame around sexuality. Women often are compared to porn actors when in bed and the expectation that they do what is being seen on the screen is unrealistic and can lead to rape and unwanted physical acts.
In our culture, we have an expectation that pornography is part of normal boy development and now becoming more prominent in girls. However, this is a very damaging trend. Instead of ignoring this conversation, you have to talk about your values around pornography and if you don’t have any or you yourself are interacting with the pron culture ask yourself if you were never exposed to pornography as a younger child how would your relationships be different?
The novelty of discovering forbidden things can be such a great temptation for pre-teens especially. When you outright forbid something the drive to do it increases tenfold, especially for this age group. Instead of forbidding them to talk about it all the time. Demystify it and when they interact with it or get exposed to it all they will think about is the information you taught them or even the conversations you had when them. You desensitize them to the information by openly talking about the effects and pain it can cause and the damage that it can inflict if it becomes a part of their sex life.
Family Cultural Norms– We all have family cultural norms. These are things that are normal to us but can not be normal to other families. This can include cultural, religious, or familial practices that have been passed down from one generation to another. When having “The Talk” with your child it’s important that you talk about those traditions as well. When your family culture includes abstinence the important conversation you have to have is why is this important to you and the culture you function in. The reality is that we as parents, as much as we want to, can’t control every aspect of our children’s life. When we punish them, especially for their sexual curiosity they will dig in and hide things from us. The goal is to be a safe place whether they make mistakes or not and pass down the value of our cultural norms without having them have to pay the price with an unwanted pregnancy, abortions, STDS, or emotional trauma. Much of this can be mitigated through continual conversations on the topic and all the different aspects. Work on not trying to dismiss emotions or feelings your pre-teen has about sex and talk them through their thought process.
Other Family Norms- It’s also equally important to talk about how other families might treat the topic of sex and how people who don’t have the same family culture as your own might see sex and talk about it. This is important because your child will make friends with kids who don’t share their same values and it’s still ok that they are friends. Your child can learn to manage their boundaries when it comes to topics around sex. They will talk to their friends about sex, it’s how most children learn about sex, from their peers. When you as a parent are the first one who is talking with them about it they become the ones who have the most information and can thwart misinformation or not be shocked by the information that comes from their friends.
Social Media Perception- There is a lot of toxic ideology that can come from social media. The consumption of social media can create an unhealthy expectation of what sex is about. Having a conversation about what it takes to be in a relationship with another human being is very important. There are phases in relationships that are important. You will not be always on cloud nine when you are in a relationship, there will be moments when you have to have hard conversations and those moments are missed on social media. Especially pre-teen girls can compare their bodies, relationships, and sex lives (or lack thereof) to others on social media and it has caused a mental health crisis in this country where they take their lives. When it comes to social media have days where they take a break from scrolling and build an intentional community with a bigger community at large whether it be a religious function, giving back through volunteering, or family connection time. Creating stable in-person relationships is vitally important during this growth time in their lives.
Contraception- Abstinence is not going to cut it for the contraception talk. It can be hard to talk about contraception because it feels like you are giving your child permission to have sex but it’s not that it’s giving them knowledge so they understand fully what is happening and how they want to manage their sexuality. Talk about hormone cycles for girls and when you are most likely to get pregnant. You can talk about birth control pills, condoms, and IUDs. Make sure that you also talk about the side effects of all of these things. Also, this is a great time to have an STD conversation. You can go into depth with this or not it’s up to you. One part of this conversation you need to have with them is talking to them about when you sleep with someone you are also exposed to all their previous partners as well which can be a health risk to you if you don’t know their sexual history.
Having a fully informed sexual experience is really important to know the outcome and the risks involved with having sex.
Spiritual Implications- If you are a part of a religious community there is much to be said about human sexuality. Whether it’s abstenance or how women and men interact in relationship your spiritual community and tradition can play a huge role in the way you talk to your children about sex. When teaching children about the spiritual implications of sex create an avenue to have no shame and connection with you. If you punish children because of their curiosity, questions, or mistakes you won’t be a safe place for them in the future when the choices get harder. Be a place where they can process their feelings without judgement and support them through some of the trickiest emotions and relationships they may have. There’s a huge history of children who have walked away from their religion and traditions because of the way their parents handled the harder conversaitons. Make sure you express why you have the values that you have and how it’s important to your wellness over all.
Social Implications- Peer pressure is a very real pressure especially when it comes to sexuality. Because of our need to feel excepted, loved, valued, and significant teens will often times try and make thier life choices show their value. They will brag about sexual conquests and their knowledge about the topic when it arises in conversation. This can make them feel so important and good inside. A way to combat this is to create a safe family space where they feel connected, valued, heard, and fully loved on. Their family is their safe space. Make sure to have conversations about their friendships and relationships and what healthy peer pressure is. When my daughter had a friend try and control the choices she made by putting her down and calling her names we had a conversation about how that’s not what a healthy friendship look liked. Teach your children about freedom. When people start taking their freedom away it’s not a relationship they want to be in. Good friends allow us to make our own choices and don’t make us feel bad about the choices we make even if the choices aren’t good they will find a loving way to express that to us without feeling shame.
Physical Implications- The physical implications of sex with disconnection and non-commitment is massive. First and most obvious is pregnancy which in our society tends to damage the women much more then the men. Talk about how this can affect thier lives and all the choices that have to be made because of an unwanted pregnancy. The other physical implications are STDS and a disconnection from their emotions. There can be depression and mental illness that comes with being used like an object instead of connected to like a person. Reviewing the physical implications of sex is important for children to know because the physical ability to have children comes way sooner then the mental capacity to raise them.
Financial Implications- With the physical implications comes the financial implications of those choices. Depending on how the choices are made can create a huge financial burden on the couple if they are bring a child into the world that wasn’t planned for. Kids need things like clothing, diapers, education, day care ect. If the choice is made to have a baby whether through forethought or accident the financial implications are quite a feat. Discuss what finances can come into making decisions that lead to pregnancy or even what might happen if someone is said to have been taken advantage of. For boys specifically consent is vital because if they didn’t get consent or their partner was drunk they can be charged with a crime. If they are charged their can be great financial cost with lawyers or fines and possible jail time.
LGBTQ- No matter where you stand on this issue it’s important to talk about with your child. Ignoring this part of the sexuality of people will only bring fascination and can objectify people and their life. If you have values or ideas around this topic communicate them in a way that is age appropriate and contains no malace, judgement, or hate. You can have differing opinions and still love people and passing down love to your children is never a bad thing.
Conversations about sex can be very overwhelming but it’s important that you tackle this conversation with no shame, guilt, or punishment. Try and set aside your experience (unless it was positive) on how you learned about sex and work on communicating with your child about what is one of the most important conversations they will have in their life.
You don’t have to have all these conversations at once but over time cover the topics above and have conversations that are hard. It will build the ability for your child to have a future of healthy relationships and hopefully their will find their forever partner to build a family and life with. Remind them that nothing is going to be perfect and we all mess up and that gives us the ability to learn.
To get the FREE GIFT sign up below!
