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It is never an easy conversation when your child comes to you because their friend has betrayed them. Here are some tips I’ve told my daughter over the years on how to find and make good quality friends.
As grown adults, we know that you don’t always get along with everyone that’s just not possible. We all have different personality types and family cultures so we don’t connect with every person that we meet and that’s just fine. The same goes for children. We don’t need to force them to be friends with kids they don’t connect with.
My daughter has over the years had many different types of friends. Usually, as a younger kid, she didn’t know how to connect with children her age because she was a bit aggressive so we worked on how to be kind to our friends. Like attracts like. She was attracting more aggressive kids into her world because she too was aggressive.
Years later and now approaching middle school her friends are very different. She was attracting friends who didn’t know how to say “no” to the bully and they just went along with whatever the leader in their group said. This didn’t work for me. Boundaries are so important to teach at this age because later down the line this will be something that may save their lives.
My daughter had a friend who was always saying mean things to her and her other friends. She was bossy and controlling and never gave anything in the relationships with the other girls. Her behavior screamed of entitlement and narcissism. What was I to do? My daughter started to change at home. She got very snarky and became more demanding. I knew it was the influence of her friend.
I sat down and talked to her about how her friend was making her feel and she said that she made fun of her, made her do things she didn’t want, and never owned up to her mistakes. These are all very strong warning flags to me. So instead of telling her, you can’t be friends with her I took the opportunity to say what do you want to do about it? She said, ” She’s the most popular girl mom I can’t do anything!” Right there I knew I had a problem because not only did my daughter start feeling like a victim to this friend her voice and choice was being shut down so I helped her learn a few things
First, always choose a friend who will listen to your concerns and care about what you care about. Use your voice to stand up for yourself and say “no” when they are in the wrong. Never let someone steal your voice from you because your opinions and desires are important as long as you are also listening to their voice.
Second, set down boundaries, and if they don’t listen follow through. This was so hard for her to do because she tried to set down boundaries and this girl would just run right over them so I eventually had to step in and stop it. The practice of setting a boundary when you are young will be a skill for the rest of her life. Eventually, her boundary was she no longer interacted with this girl and she made the choice to distance herself.
Third, picture the journey down the road with your friend. When I was talking to my daughter about the friend she had I said think about being friends with her in 5 years when you can drive and you have access to things that you don’t now. She’s already getting you into trouble now and saying she didn’t have anything to do with it what will happen when you are a teenager? Stay curious as a parent. Ask questions that will make them think.
Fourth, are we having fun? Pretty much the entire time my daughter was friends with this girl they fought all the time. There was so much drama and I almost lost my mind. My daughter was constantly coming up to me “she did this or said that”. The drama was endless. Practice peace in your life. I told her to have friends who are fun and full of peace or she will be living in their drama forever.
Fifth, choose friends who challenge you to be a better person. It’s important that a friend helps you to be a better person. I pointed out a friend my child brought over recently and said you need to be friends with her. She was polite and kind. She didn’t demand anything from me. She was thoughtful and helped clean up. These are the friends I want in my child’s life.
When you set your children up for success they will build lifelong friendships with people who will shape their future. In school, they aren’t taught people or friendship skills unfortunately however you can train them at home how to find and keep healthy friends. Remember these important skills will help keep the bullies out of their lives and bring in the friends that will help them build a bright future!
P.S. A book that I have found so helpful in learning boundaries and communicating those boundaries is this book! Check it out it’s so important to teach our children while they are young how to have healthy boundaries!
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