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How to Work with Traumatized Kids

*This lesson may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.*

I want to start this article off by saying that I’m not a therapist and I will refer any non-typical behavior to your therapist. As a foster and adoptive parent, I can say that I’ve learned a few important keys along the way to working with traumatized kids. Children, in general, are raw with emotion and do not have a fully developed brain to execute good decision-making skills. Childhood is when they learn how to control their emotions and interact with the world around them in a correct manner. However, traumatized children are damaged through that process of learning. The learning that they achieve through trauma is survival. As single, foster, or adoptive parents, it’s our job to move children from survival to thriving in their environment.

The number one thing when it comes to children is don’t take it personally. This is so hard when children are screaming, punching, or targeting you. It can feel personal but in reality, whoever hurt them is who they are targeting you are just the stand-in. If you take their behavior personally you will react instead of respond. Reacting to negative behavior is a sure-fire way of causing more trauma in the long run not only to them but to you as well. When we react to behavior we kick into our animal brains and forget how to access rational thought, self-control, and wisdom. All of these tools are important for kids to learn and demonstrating these traits to them in the moment of tension help to teach them these tools to thrive in their environment.

Demonstration leads to learning. If you have ever heard a parent say “do what I say” you know that parents often don’t understand how children learn. Learned behavior is learned through modeling behavior. This is why very often you will have children who are abused and have violent and volatile behavior because that’s all they know. Believe the best about their heart intention. I know it’s hard to do this because we see malevolence in behavior and we want to feel justified in punishing behavior that feels personal. If you set the bar high by believing they had good intentions children will rise to that bar.

The second thing that is important with kids that are traumatized is what is the emotion behind the behavior. Behavior is a fruit of an emotion or experience. When a child misbehaves it’s not just as simple as they are doing it because they want to. Oftentimes, especially with traumatized children, they do it because they are afraid. If you punish with more fear their behavior will escalate and you will not get a resolution to the behavior.

For example, if you say it’s time to put your toys away so we can eat dinner and they respond by throwing a tantrum calmly sit with them eye to eye and say I’d love to talk as soon as you can calm down. Often times the lack of time pushes us to miss learning moments for our children. Repeat a simple command and remain calm. When you have them calm ask them if they are afraid they won’t be able to play with their toy again or if they are afraid it will get taken away. Tell them we will put it in a special spot so that it won’t be taken away and we can play with it again after dinner. This gives them power in the moment to feel like they are in control of something.

Third, help them feel they have control over something. As a child who has been traumatized a lot of life has happened to them they haven’t really been given a chance to happen to life. Find opportunities to make decisions throughout the day. Would you like the blue shirt or the red shirt? Would you like to walk or skip to the car? The goal is your objective gets met through fun and choices how the task is done. Many parents get confused with their choices. They hear that they need to give kids choices but they give them the wrong ones. The goal is the behavior you want gets done but how you do it is the choice.

An example of this would be getting a room clean. You tell your child to clean their room and they say no. Instead of getting in a verbal debate you say: Would you like to clean your room now or in five minutes? Would you like to play music while you are cleaning or would you like to have it silent? Would you like to put your toys away first or your clothes? These are the choices you give your child to empower them to feel in control of what is happening to them.

Fourth key would be to understand and learn about their triggers and past trauma. Not all children can verbalize what has happened to them but you can observe their behavior and guess to what kind of trauma they experienced. Especially when it comes to abuse there are 5 main kinds of abuse that can happen to children neglect, physical, mental, sexual, and verbal. With physical abuse children can flinch or become violent in times of correction of behavior. Mental abuse children will often find ways to manipulate situations to protect themselves. Sexual abuse will result often times sexual activity at an early age or for comfort during moments of stress. Verbal abuse can result in depression and self-harm. Neglect often results in animalistic behaviors like hoarding food or unable to maintain cleanliness.

All of these types of abuses are important to know so that you can address where behaviors stem from. When you can address where the behavior comes from you can find solutions that will heal the abuse and bringing in a behavioral specialist is very important when trying to help these kids. At home make the rules clear, maintain boundaries, be consistent with consequences and follow through. Many children with traumatic pasts have had unstable environments where they didn’t know what would set their caregiver off on the abusive path. Always remain as calm as possible and if you can’t remain calm walk away. The most important thing is self control in the face of an out of control child.

Fifth tip is to have a consistent schedule and boundaries. I had a foster daughter who had an extensive abuse background. Her behavior was out of control. After helping with boundaries and consistent expectations with follow through I created a chart for her. This chart helped her understand her task and what she was expected to do. She would move a magnet down the chart to show what task she was on. This helped her know what she was supposed to be doing and helped her feel rewarded for a task well done. The consistency really helped her behavior. Over time she understood what was expected and she knew how to perform. Boundaries help children feel safe. Especially for children who have been neglected, when they have a boundary, it helps them feel cared for.

With children who hoard or have food scarcity issues, I always allow them to eat as much as they want. I leave all cabinets and fridges open for them at all times of day and night. I won’t punish the kids if I find food in their rooms. Slowly over time with consistent meals and snacks they will grow to understand they don’t have to forage anymore. I never associate punishment with food or use food as a way to control behavior.

There are many other techniques and unique ideas that you can use for creating a safe space for children who are traumatized. Leave a comment below if you have ideas on how to help behavior!

For more articles on adoption and foster care check out the links below:

10 Tips for Becoming a Foster Parent!

12 Essential Things You Should Know About Adoption!

5 Truths to Meditate on as a Single Mom!

Being a single mom can be overwhelming at times. You have to play both mother and father, nurturer and breadwinner. The amount of information and tasks that have to be performed daily can get very frustrating and defeating. It’s important that if you don’t have a community of people around you to support you that you remember a few truths. These truths can help you overcome the moments of being overwhelmed. Repeat these truths to yourself when you are feeling tired a defeated.

TRUTH #1

I AM ENOUGH- Sometimes in the moments of being hit from all sides with needs from tiny humans, it can feel like you can’t provide or do enough to meet their needs. The truth is that you are enough. The fact that you try every day is enough. Even if at times you feel like there is a lack in your world the truth is that you have what it takes to raise good humans. Believe this truth that even if you can’t meet all the needs of those kiddos of yours you can find a way to. Here’s something to remind you!

TRUTH #2

I HAVE WHAT I NEED!- Many times as single mothers we are surrounded by lack however that is not the truth of our situations. Instead of constantly thinking about the problems you face think about solutions. Reach out to those around you or find a community that can support you. There are resources available keep asking until you get what you need. Nothing can stop you if you become determined! One of the best books that I read was Atomic Habits when it comes to mindset and shifting how you think about what you have available to you.

TRUTH #3

THIS MOMENT WILL PASS!- If you have ever heard an older person say this too shall pass you know that it’s the truth. There are moments when it feels like the world is falling down around you. In those moments you have to remember that they will not last forever. I remember when my daughter was a toddler she use to throw her food across the room. It drove me nuts but I had to remember that she wouldn’t be an adult throwing her food across the room. Encourage yourself by knowing that the moment you are in won’t last forever. Here’s a reminder to put on the wall!

TRUTH #4

I AM A GOOD MOM- Many times we can compare ourselves to the moms out there who seemingly have their lives together. The reality is social media can be deceptive. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. There are times when I’ve looked at my friend’s social media pages and I knew that what they showed to the world wasn’t what was going on on the inside. Comparison kills and as mothers, we tend to compare our lives with those around us. If you feel like you are lacking in skills to be a mother ask for help, read a book, or watch a video. There are endless resources out there to help you become what you want to become. Here’s a great book on parenting I recommend to anyone who is needing help!

TRUTH #5

I AM NOT ALONE- This can feel real because if you don’t have a partner or family around you it can oftentimes feel like the loneliest place but you have a tribe out there. The tribe you belong to may take some effort to find or pursue but when you find it you will know. Find people who will support you in the journey of motherhood. Build relationships around you where you are giving as much as you are receiving. As single mothers, we can often feel like people feel sorry for us but that doesn’t help us when it comes to building relationships. You also need to feel like you are contributing to those around you to feel valuable. The give and take in relationships can be what brings value to our lives. Here’s something for you to give to your tribe when you find them.

You got this momma! If you have any other Truths that help you get through the toughest parts of parenting leave a comment below and tell me what they are!

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10 Must-Haves for the School Year!

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School is starting! For some of us it doesn’t begin for a few weeks and for others it has already started. There’s a mixed feeling of joy and sadness for summer to be over but for kids to go back to school can be a great relief, especially for single moms. I know the feeling in the summer of not knowing what to do with your child while you work. Childcare is very expensive and the tv can become the babysitter let’s be real.

As we get ready for school there are some things that you will need to gather before your little ones get off to school. I love this program our local Walmart has where the schools give them their supplies list and all you have to do is find your school and order the list. It makes life much easier if you don’t have to go to the store. However, if you must go shopping for items here are a few must-haves and where to find them!

Paper Towels– This has been on my daughter’s list since she was in pre-school. I think that if you don’t have some in your pantry you can have them delivered directly to your door. Here’s where to order them online. I don’t know about you but I like to give the teachers more then they request just because I know usually in the middle of the year they are asking for more supplies anyway. Generosity is always the way to go!

2. Washable Makers– If you have ever been in school you know that markers are pretty much a staple product in every classroom. The reason we want them washable is that your kid will at some point mark their clothes or their neighbor’s clothing. Having washable markers will help teachers out it keeps them from pulling out their hair lol. Here are the markers that work for us.

3. Tape– Teachers use tape for everything! I always like to send a big pack because knowing my child she will run through it all so quickly! Here’s where you can get the tape. I always have tape on my list and I try to get the most common and easiest tape available. Don’t get too cheap a tape because it won’t work with kids.

4. Anti-Bacterial Wipes– After COVID these are a staple more now than before. Last year my daughters teacher put out an email for a large amount of these in the middle of the year because they ran out of them so fast. It is easier now to get anti-bacterial wipes than during the pandemic but I would always order them earlier then when school starts. Here are some that you can order and give to the teachers. Just know they are never going to run out of a need for wipes so more is better.

5. Expo-Markers– I have never seen a school list without dry erease markers on them. Unless the teacher doesn’t use a white board these are pretty much a basic supply for any classroom. Being a teacher myself for a few years these are a very important addition to the classroom. Sometimes the markers dry out because students forget to put the lid on correctly so any extras are always welcome. Here’s a great pack!

6. Glue– Though I avoid this at home just because it gets so messy they use it at school a lot. There are a few different kinds of glue that teachers can request. The liquid kind or the stick kind are both the most common used in school. Usually, depending on the grade they will use one or the other. Younger kiddos do better with the sick kind and the older students can handle the resposability of the liquid glue.

7. **Kleenex-** Sometimes in the summer it’s hard to remember that during the winter there is an increase in sniffling noses. I don’t think I have ever recieved a school list without a box of Kleenex on it. It’s easy to grab a couple of these and give them to the teacher. Here’s a large pack. If you don’t need these at your home I suggest you give them all to the teacher knowing they will all be used.

8. Binders- Depending on the teacher and grade they will request a binder for your child. I have noticed that the higher the grade the bigger the binder. Maybe its just me but it seems like that’s pretty common for all the students to be carrying some sort of binder around especaily in upper elementary. If you have multiple kids in your home you can get a pack that will save you money. Here’s a great pack of 1″ binders. If you have just one child here’s just one 1″ binder. If I don’t find the color my daughter wants I usually buy stickers for her to decorate her binder to make it feel like her own.

9. Number-2 Pencils– In every school across the world the pencil is a basic necessity. You will never go wrong with a box of pencils. I know that many tests are taken with pencils but also homework is easier if it’s done in pencil. Here’s a box of 30 for a rather cheap price.

10. Crayons– If you have worked with children on any level you would know that crayons are a staple in education and creativity. However, they can break easily and most younger kids find it fun to unwrap the ourside of the crayon which can end up being a mess to clean. Even though there are some drawbacks to crayons they are a wonderful way for children to learn colors and be creative. Here’s a great pack for the classroom. These are also an item that you don’t need to worry about over giving. Teachers will always be able to use crayons especially in younger grades.

No matter what you need for your school list I always prefer to order them on-line to save time and gas. It can make everything a lot easier if you get them delivered to your door without having to drive all over town.

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10 Essential Items You Need on a Road Trip!

This lesson may contain affiliate links. *Please read my disclosure for more info.*

If you have ever spent any time on the road, especially with kids you would know there are some essential things you need to make it easier for you along the way. Anything can happen on the road but it’s crucial that you are prepared as much as possible. I’ve taken road trips almost every summer for several years now and a few essential items I have found that are vital to have along the way. Here are some tips I’ve found that help along the way!

Wipes- Even if you don’t have children wipes are so important to have on a road trip. There are hundreds of times that I’ve spilled something sticky and needed something handy quickly. I always carry some wipes in the glove compartment ready to go at any time. Here are some great wipes and if you are needing a carrier here’s a great one easy to attach to anything and makes easy to use.

2. Waterbottles– I know that it seems like common sense but I always keep extra water in the car at all times. You never know if you are going to get caught in traffic, hit bad weather, or have a breakdown somewhere. It’s important for not just you but your kids that you are well hydrated. Here’s a gallon waterbottle that works well to fill up smaller ones.

3. Snacks– No matter where I’m going I will always have food of some sort in the car. You never know what can happen a long the way and it may be a while before you have access to food. One time on a road trip through Wyoming there wasn’t a place to stop for almost 300 miles. Luckily I had filled up with gas and had food and water with me so we didn’t have to stop at all. This could have been a very different story if we didn’t have these things with us. This is a great way to organize different items in your car especially when you have kiddos!

4. Chargers– Ok this seem a little like well of course but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten chargers. Not having a charger could mean life and death now a days where if you get into an accident you need immediate help. We have the ability to call for help right away but for sure you will need that phone charged. Also if you have kids a charger comes in handy when kids are needing entertainment. Here’s a traveling case to keep everything all organized!

5. Spare Tire– I think that everyone usually has a spare tire but do you have a full tire or a doughnut tire? The doughnut tire will not get you too far so investing in a spare tire can save you time and a ruined vacation. I got a flat in Dallas once while on a road trip it cost me hours because all I had was a doughnut and couldn’t go far with it. It’s important to always make sure your tires are in good condition as well.

6. Emergency Kit– Always carry an emergency kit with you. I can’t emphasize enough how this might save you or your families lives at some point. Not just a medical kit but also a roadside hazard kit is important for any emergency that may arise. One of the items in the roadside kit I would keep in the glove compartment and that is the safety hammer. This is used to break glass just incase you land in water. It’s a quick little tool that can save many lives.

7. Map– I know what you are thinking but I have my phone. Well I don’t know about you but often I have no cell phone service especially in the mountains. It’s important that you purchase a map of the area you are traveling to ensure that you get to where you want to go. Here’s something that could save you from losing your way.

8. Flashlight- I know we all have flashlights on our phones but it’s always good to have an extra one on hand. You don’t want to use up your phone battery if you don’t have to. We have all seen the scary movie where the travelers get stranded and can’t make that very important phone call because their phone died. Here’s one that is waterproof and even has a way to hang it if needed.

9. Spare Key– Always bring a spare car key and keep it on you at all times. The reason for this is sometimes when you are road weary you can forget where your keys are. This will help to save you a calling a locksmith to open your car door. It’s important to remember that you have it on you as well. Here’s a lanyard that will help you keep it safely tucked under your shirt. It’s a brilliant way to not have to think about it.

10. Road Side Assistance– This is a very important investment when you travel that you have some sort of roadside assistance. I love AAA but if you find something that’s better for you then go for it. Make sure that you have it handy. You may receive a card or something that has the phone number on it. Go ahead and put that in a quick and easy location in your car if not program it in your phone or do all of the above. Most of all have so much fun!

For more articles on road trip must knows click HERE!

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10 Self-Care and Wellness Ideas for Single Moms

Let’s be real when it comes to self-care single moms are not the best at it. Most of the time we are the first to get up in the morning and the last to fall asleep at night. Our days consist of constant servanthood meeting everyone’s needs but our own. However, this pattern is not a sustainable pattern of existence because at some point we run out of energy. If you have ever flown on an airplane you know that when they give the safety talk they always say to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child. There is a reason for this. If you are passed out it’s harder for the child to put the mask on you and you are no help to anyone if you have passed out. Same in life if you are burned out and exhausted your children will not get the best version of you. I have found over the years a couple of keys for helping re-fill my bucket.

Therapy– Self-Care for me is what we need as single parents to be able to thrive. I define self-care not as just going to the spa but also as helping work on the inside of yourself. So many times we are constantly fixing all the other little people’s emotional problems but we aren’t thinking about what we need as mommas to help us process emotions. It’s also good to have someone to bounce thoughts off of. I would highly recommend therapy as a way to get your bucket filled back up again. It’s a self-care must-have in your list of self-care tools. As you go through therapy it’s a great idea to keep a journal. Here’s one that helps with mental health.

2. Cup of Tea– The cup of tea is a symbol really for sitting down at some point with something hot in your hands and enjoying a moment. That moment can be everything. Take the time either in the morning, evening, or both to just sit and inhale steam from tea, coffee, or something warm. It helps to relax your mind and body bringing your cortisol levels down. Here’s a cute mug to start the tradition! The tea that I like that helps me relax is this. I enjoy relaxing with tea at night processing the day. Enjoy!

3. Baths– Are you a bath person? If you aren’t there are some great benefits for taking baths. Warm water has been used for many centuries to help relax people and can lower stress, blood pressure, and relax muscles. When you’ve had a particularly stressful day it’s a great to slip into a warm bath and just take a deep breath. If you are like me you might have to clean it first but it’s worth it! Here are some great Espom salts I love using!

4. Self-Education- Most of us want to be done with school after we have graduated but I’ve found that going on a self-education journey can be something that helps me deal with stress. When I pour into myself by learning about things that I find interesting it fills my bucket. There’s a great app that I love which is called Libby. It’s an app where you can rent books either audio or ebooks. I love putting on a good book when I’m cleaning the house or doing mundane chores. I’ve gone through so many books just cleaning my house learning about parenting, personal improvement, etc. It’s important to pour into yourself and challenge yourself by becoming more then you were before!

5. Exercise- I know that it can be hard sometimes to squeeze in exercise but if this isn’t a habit in your life already it really needs to be. It doesn’t have to be a long exercise and you don’t have to do it for endless hours a week but it’s important for your mental health. I chose to exercise because I was getting seasonal depression. When I started I wasn’t good at it at all but over time I got better and better. It helped me battle stress and depression and gain way more energy then I had in the past. Here’s a great exercise mat! Find a program or something that you will be able to maintain.

6. Breathing– I know this sounds a little strange but breathing correctly can help lower your stress and help you to relax. One of my favorite books that I’ve read is Breathe it’s been such a powerful book in learning about how we breathe and why it’s so important how we breathe. To do a quick lesson on how to breathe to help you relax. Breathe through your nose for a count of 3 and then exhale through your nose for a count of 7. Do this several times until you feel your whole body relax. This is a quick way to relax in the midst of a stressful moment that can bring you a moment of calm.

7. Budget- I know that this doesn’t sound like something that can bring you a stress free moment but it most assuredly can. When you know where your money is ow much you have to work with and how much you still need it can help bring down your stress. As a single parent finances can be some of the biggest challenges that we face however if we learn how to take care of our money and grow it well it can be a great source of comfort instead of pain. For a long time I would avoid looking at my finances because I was afraid of what I would see but in reality learning how money worked and how to manage it made me feel less stressed out and more in control. Here’s a great budgeting book to start out with.

8. Friends– One of the biggest sources of comfort and stress management is having friends to process life with. I know that as you get older it can be hard to make friends but finding a way to connect to other humans is really important in the process of parenting that you get that outside processing time. I’m a verbal processor and since I don’t have a partner to process with I find it hard when I’m alone. When you have friends that are around it’s great to process with them about life and they can help you see things in ways you never thought of before. Friendship is a great way to manage stress!

9. Boundaries– I know this sounds like strange way to manage stress but this will help you in more ways then you will know. The books Boundaries helped me so much in finding out where I was committing to things I had no time or energy for. This is a great way for you to know how to keep that annoying family member at bay or a very needy friend that takes all your energy instead of filling you up. Boundaries are so important in our lives because it keeps us safe and others safe as well. This can reduce your obligations by a ton. Help yourself by learning when it’s ok to say no.

10. Vacations– I know that when you are strapped for cash it can seem impossible to go on vacation but it’s important to set a time aside once a year at least to take your family on vacation. It doesn’t have to be far or a lot but it can really be a huge part of enjoying life and relaxing. You can get a tent and camp. Camping isn’t expensive and it’s a fun trip. You can also plan a staycation that’s going to give you what you need in regards to relaxing. I have an article here about planning a vacation as a single mom.

Which ever way you de-stress and relax I’d love to hear about it! Leave a comment below about the ways that you de-stress!

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25 Amazon Kitchen Must-Haves for Single Moms

This lesson may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

I don’t know if you are like me but as a single mom, I do not have TIME EVER! Any way I can cut down on my shopping I do it though I do like my Target runs let’s not be confused about that 🙂 However, my second favorite store is Amazon (ok I know technically it’s not a store but still). I can get anything delivered if not in a few hours for sure by the next few days. Over the years I’m sure Amazon has banked off of me and my sisters because of our constant shopping habits but it’s saved on gas for sure. Have you seen gas prices lately? Here are a few favorite things I’ve seen that make life in the kitchen easier as well. If it’s a shortcut to save time I’m all about it!

1- Oil Sprayer for Cooking Oil– If you are a cooker like I am I don’t like to get oil all over my hands especially when I’m cooking meats so this is a great way to aerosolize oil to make it easier to use.

2- Wisk wiper– This thing is not only a time saver it’s a genius invention! Especially when you are done with that brownie batter and that sucker just sticks on… genius.

3- Jar Spatula– Ok…am I the only one who has a hard time getting the sides of a jar clean? Oh good.. I thought I was 😂 This is a genius invention!

4- Air Fryer Disposable Paper Liner– I don’t know about you but I love my air fryer. It’s a lifesaver when you are trying to save time. However, the cleaning can be arduous so these are so amazing for a quick clean-up!

5- Dirty/Clean Dishwasher Sign- Do you have a short memory like I do? When you have so many things in your brain it’s hard to remember if you have clean or dirty dishes in the dishwasher. This little reminder is so helpful to knowing where you are at in the cycle.

6- Magnetic Fridge Calendar– If you are anything like me you can have a pretty hectic schedule and it can become pretty overwhelming when you are adding doctors/dentists/ and school appointments. I love having something on my face in the mornings so I know what I’m doing for the day.

7- Meat Claw Shredders- I’m a bit of a meat person so when I’m doing pulled pork sandwiches or crack chicken I for sure don’t want to burn my hands shredding meat. This is a great product to not get your hands burned or dirty!

8- Pizza Cutter- At least once a week I’m too exhausted to make food that when the ol’ pizza gets whipped out. I have 2 in my freezer at all times because you know… life. This cutter makes it way easier to just zip through all of the slices.

9. Charcuterie Board– This is more of a mental health product for me. I love a good cheese board with a glass of wine on the weekends. It’s such a nice way to wind down a busy and stressful week. However, most of the time I have to save a place for goldfish on the board so the kids can enjoy it too😂

10. Foil Dispenser with Cutter Bamboo, 3 in 1 Kitchen Roll– This is such a huge lifesaver for me! I don’t know about you but plastic wrap and aluminum foil can end up a huge clump of mess in my drawers. This is a genius idea on how to organize it.

11. Boiled Egg Peeler – I love a good deviled egg however I do not like peeling them. Here’s a great way to have it peeled without having to do it by hand. It saves so much time when you don’t have to do it yourself!

12. Sauce Packet Filter– If you have kids like mine you will know that if they find any green herbs in any of their food they refuse to eat it at all. This is a creative way to infuse flavor into your food without having to pick out all of the herbs before the kids see.

13. Silicone Kitchen Sink Faucet Mat– I love this product! When you have water all over your counter it’s no fun. This is a guard that will protect your counters from getting all wet.

14. Porcelain Butter Keeper Crock– If you have ever gotten frustrated from trying to spread cold butter this helps you not to. It is so easy to use and the water helps it keep soft and fresh and extra bonus it’s in a cute butter dish.

15. Angry Mama Microwave Cleaner– This is the cutest and easiest product to use! I hate cleaning the microwave but this cute steamer makes it so easy. All you have to do is steam up the microwave and wipe it down time saved!

16. Comfortable Handle, Heavy Duty Ice Cream Scoop- If you have ever been scooping icecream at a birthday party you know how it can hurt your hand after a while. Here’s a solution for that! Happy scooping!

17. Tool Herb Cutter Stainless Steel 9 Holes Herb– I love cooking with fresh spices but it always takes forever to get them stripped down to where I can chop it up. This will make it super quick to cut all of the leaves off. This is a great item to have in your kitchen!

18. Self-Cleaning with Dustpan Teeth– With children and animals I have hair everywhere! This is a life saver! No need to clean the nasty hair off the broom by hand.

19. Plastic Canisters with Durable Lids– Organization is my best friend! I love being able to keep everything in order because in a hurry it saves me time shuffling through my pantry. These are perfect not only to see whats in it but also you are able to label them.

20. Air Fryer Magnetic Cheat Sheet Set– I love my air fryer I use it so much for almost every meal in my house. I usually just guess at what I need to set the timer and temperature to however here’s a cheat sheet. It’s a brilliant idea to being able to quickly tell what to set your air fryer to and for what.

21. Hug Doug Spoon Saver– Have you ever lost your cooking spoon the hot soup? Its so annoying. Hug a Doug is so cute and helps you from burning your hand while trying to recover your spoon!

22. Strain Pot Strainer– I love this pasta strainer! It’s so hard to dump the hot water and noodles into the strainer in the sink but this is genius. I love that you can just clip this on the side of the pot!

23. 2-Tier Countertop Fruit Vegetables Basket – If you are like me I often forget I have fruit because it’s stuck in a drawer in the fridge. This is a great way to make sure you see and hopefully eat all the fruit and veggies!

24. Hamburger Meat Chopper – I’m always using hamburger meat in the dinners I make. This is a great way to chop it up quickly. It’s such a handy item to have in your collection! The meat chopper helps to break up hamburger meat quickly.

25. Cob Corn Stripper– I love a good corn on the cob in the summer it makes for great memories! Kiddos in my house however don’t always handle being able to eat it on the cob so this is a lifesaver and makes getting the kernals off easier then taking a knife to it!

If you want to enjoy a great summer recipe here’s my favorite ceviche!

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5 Steps That Are Important For Grieving

This lesson may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

If you have ever lost someone you know that grief is such a real journey that you go on. It can be angering, depressing, numbing, and confusing. All of the emotions that are felt while going through loss are part of our body and emotions trying to cope with the loss of the loved one. Many things that people say can be unhelpful but well-meaning. Through my own loss, I have found a few keys that have helped me along the way.

Grieving looks different for everyone. My grief isn’t going to look the same as yours and that’s ok. Many times we have expectations of ourselves or others have expectations of us that really don’t help us along the way. Move away from the expectations of others and focus on finding the emotion and feeling it and walking through it. So many times we push away pain because we hate the idea of pain but pain can be healing. If we ignore it it will get worse in a different way. Embrace the process and find tools and keys that can be healing for you. Here is a resource that can help you process your grief.

2. Boundaries Keep My Grief Process Protected. This is so important that you understand your journey is sacred and should be kept protected from people who would criticize, burden, or even have an expectation of you that is unrealistic. Not everyone is safe to keep in your grief journey and it’s ok to say I’m going to step back from our relationship right now. Aunt Betty Sue while well-intentioned can also hinder the road to recovery by saying not-so-helpful things. It’s ok to say no not now to invitations, vacations, holidays, or gatherings where you are expected to act a certain way. When you are grieving you aren’t thinking straight and it can be hard to meet the expectations of those around you. That pressure can bring depression and shame. Boundaries protect the process. If you don’t know what or how to put boundaries down here is it.

3. Journal Your Emotions. Something that is very helpful for complex emotional moments is journaling. Getting the emotions out and processing them is a great way to create a way to heal. It also helps to make notes on how you progress through the healing journey. Through the first year of grief, there are so many moments that will bring up pain and it’s so important that we take the time to process the feelings that those moments bring up. It’s ok to not be ok. Here’s a journal that I’ve found that can help you walk through your grief moments.

4. Be Kind To Yourself. It’s not always easy to be kind to yourself during the grieving process. Often time we can feel survivors’ guilt, self-hatred, or even not understand why we can’t “get over” grief sooner. Be kind to yourself. It’s too much pressure to fit into a timeline of when you are going to heal enough to be strong again. Grief changes you. It transforms you into a new person. The new person you become will be determined by how you walk through the grief process. Being kind can be hard to remember. Here’s something that can help you remember to be kind to yourself.

5. Time Heals All Wounds But Leaves Scars. Time is a funny thing because it helps to separate you from the moment of most pain but it also will give you space to heal. We have all heard the saying ” Time heals all wounds.” I think that in time we heal but we still have scars that transform us into a new person. We can never ignore or deny how pain shapes us. It’s important that we don’t deny the process of transformation because often times that transformation leads to purpose. If you look at all the pain caused by tragedy over the years you will also see organizations, causes, and campaigns that are used to heal the world. This means that the transformation created something new that brought healing not just to the people who went through the tragedy but for those around them. Give yourself time..

For other articles on grief click here!

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5 Helpful Tips to Help Someone Who is Grieving

This lesson may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

Grief is a hard topic to talk about and also a hard topic to live out. There’s so many times in my own journey of grief where I wanted the people around me to understand what it was like to have loss because maybe they would be able to empathize in a meaningful way. As I talked with people throughout my loss journey I realized that people didn’t really know how to connect to someone in grief. Traditions of grief that have been passed down from one generation to another were not as helpful as they were meant to be. So how do we connect with someone in grief? Here are 5 tips that I have found to be helpful for people who have just lost a loved one and need support through grief.

1) What do you say with loss? There’s not a lot that is very comforting when you loose someone. Especially right away. The phrase that I found most comforting was “I’m so sorry for your loss.” It acknowledges loss and recognizes that there’s an absence that will be felt. For me it wasn’t helpful to hear ” Well they are in a better place”. That phrase really doesn’t recognize that pain you are in and doesn’t build empathy. Another reason why it’s so important to watch what you say is that, especially if it’s an unexpected loss, the one who has experienced loss is in shock. I don’t really remember what people said to me after the loss of my mother but I remember when they were there for me. Just being there as a supporting presence not talking to me or at me was very helpful. Sometimes the most you can say is nothing.

2) What can I do for someone who lost a loved one? When you want to walk along someone who has loss the biggest help you can give is to be the doer. Don’t ask the person what you can do just jump in and help where you can. If there’s food that needs to be arranged, funerals, memorial services, or other practical tasks go after those things to help out. Sometimes family members need to be notified or dishes need to be done. Mundane tasks are still needed as life keeps going on but usually for the one that is grieving their world has stopped.

3) Stop the Nosey Aunt. I don’t know about you but have you ever seen people in your family who just don’t know when to stop talking or aren’t very aware of the situation at the time where they should be more quite then not? Here’s an opportunity to take Aunt Betty aside and protect the person who is grieving. When you have someone who is bombarding you with endless sentiments, questions, or stories about the loved one that is gone it can be very overwhelming and can add to the stress. Help the person who is mourning by running interference and protecting them in this time. Most likely the person who has loss isn’t even able to hold a very long conversation. It will be hard for them to engage in any meaningful moments.

4) Physical Comfort can be helpful. Sometimes the biggest help for those who just lost someone is a hug or holding them in their pain. Everyone is different but usually with loss there’s such a huge amount of heart break and sometimes just being the literal shoulder to cry on can be a great comfort. Some people don’t like the physical touch aspect but sitting besides them and just being can be very comforting and can bring a lot of peace. Not always do we want to be held when we are in pain but just being near someone is so helpful.

5) No expectations of the grief process. Don’t have an expectation of what their grief process will look like or how long it will last. Most of the time grief can take years. The first year in particular is a very intense season of memories and painful moments. Have a plan that you won’t judge their process but will be there for them when they need you. If they become unhealthy with their grief and self medicate make sure that you are prepared to put down boardies and have loving conversations with them about finding help. Your job as a member of their community is to be there for them in the grief to share the burden.

Education on grief and the process is so important to be able to walk through it with someone who is in pain. I wrote a book out of my process because I had a heart to help those who have experienced grief and trauma. If you would like to read more about it here is the link below!

Here is the link.

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Summer Lemon Juice Marinated Shrimp Ceviche

This lesson may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.

Nothing like a good summer salad to bring a fresh and cool feeling to those hot days. Enjoy one of my favorite recipes below that I’ve adapted over the years to fit my summer plants to bring refreshing veggies to my table. Enjoy with a few chips as a main dish or as an appetizer!

Summer Ceviche

Aileen Foos

This recipe is a refreshing take on a mexican version of Ceviche. It's so refreshing to eat in the summer on hot days and makes for a perfect snack or meal all by itself. Eat with chips and drink with a nice cold margarita you will not regret it in the least.

Print Recipe Pin Recipe

Prep Time 20

Cuisine Mexican

Servings 4

Equipment

1 Mixing Bowl
1 Knife
1 Cutting Board

Ingredients

2 bags Medium Cooked shrimp
3 Lemons
2 Limes
1 bunch cilantro
1 Avocado
1 Cucumber
1 container grape tomatoes
2 Tbsp Salt
2 Tabsp Garlic Powder

Instructions

Chop up shrimp into little pieces. (You can cut these while frozen)
Chop cilantro tops, cucumber, avocado, and tomatoes. Set aside.
Squeeze lemons and lime over the shrimp and mix.
Add salt and garlic powder.
Mix in all the vegetables together and let sit for a while maybe 10-15 minutes to let marinade.

Notes

Here are some things I’ve learned about making this recipe. It’s easier to chop the shrimp frozen however the juices don’t soak in as well. The best thing is to eat some the first day and then it always tastes better the second day. I love to use extra lemon and salt in this recipe so be liberal with what makes sense to you. It’s always fun to place it in something fun like this bowl. This recipe is such a great meal to have no matter what you are doing in the summer. If you like this recipe come check out my mom’s burrito recipe here!

Keyword ceiche, shrimp cocktail, shrimp salad, summer salad

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12 Essential Things You Should Know About Adoption!

If you are on the adoption journey, it can be hard to know where to start. There are so many options out there and many opinions. When we think about what kind of adoption journey we want to take it can be overwhelming at first. There are so many avenues that we can take to find the child that will fit in our family. Often times the reality is that there are many things to consider when going after adoption. I have been through the journey as a single parent and have met and learned from many friends who have had many different kinds of adoptions. Here are some things that I learned

1) Research– Often times we start with this because it’s the easiest way to gather information. There are generally 3 kinds of adoption: International, Domestic, and Foster to Adopt. Everyone has their opinions about these options but I will say that all of them have risks and rewards. International adoption is very expensive and sometimes you can lose the baby even when you have paid all the fees due to the mother changing her mind. This has happened to some friends of mine. It was quite devastating. Domestic is cheaper than international adoption but still expensive. The birth parent can also change their mind so there’s still a risk. The last one is foster to adopt and the risks are they could reunify with their birth parent or they can come with major behavioral problems that will require support. I don’t know about you but when I’m doing research on a new topic I need to take notes and keep all of my ideas organized. Here’s a cute notebook that you can keep records in and are able to keep writing your progress in. It’s important you keep the memories because they will be an important part of their story as well as yours.

2) Finances– Let’s talk money! I know it’s a super uncomfortable topic sometimes in life but in adoption it’s a very vital topic. We have to talk about the financing of adoption because it’s very vital. International adoption is can cost over $100,000 and domestic it can be anywhere from $20,000-$60,000. Foster to adopt is a different matter. Many states will give you a monthly stipend to take care of the child even after adoption the monthly payments will not stop till they are 18. This helps to ensure that they are well taken care of. Adoption fees are not covered however and oftentimes are very low cost out of pocket. The sad thing is often time people will think foster care is a quick way to make money which is not true. You aren’t getting a lot of money it’s often not even enough to cover the child’s needs. You should never take in a child if you are trying to get money. There are many ways to raise money for adoption. Many people I know use Gofundme or other websites that help to raise money. Here’s a great book that can give you a lot of ideas on how you can raise money without going into debt!

3) What kind of child do we want/are able to care for? It’s important to ask these questions at the beginning of the process because there are a lot of children who need homes and many of them have high needs. Being adopted comes with a level of trauma. Someone had to lose something for this child to be available. Some children come with physical needs and some with cultural needs as well. You have to decide ahead of time. It’s important that you know what would be best for them and for you. Each child that is adopted deserves the best possible situation for their success. Adoption can’t just fulfill a need it needs to be what’s best for the child as well. Be honest in the dialogue with yourself, your spouse, and your family. Understand a lot of this will not be in your control and that can be hard. Make sure that you also speak with a therapist about your needs and motivations. Here’s a book that helps to see it from the adopted child’s perspective.

4) Make a Needs List- Many times in adoption you start from scratch. If you are reading this blog you most likely haven’t been through the process before. If you have a rough idea of what age, gender, or race you are considering for adoption start to gather the items that would make your life easier. There are so many things that you can pre-prep for. If you are planning to adopt a baby start gathering baby things. This also helps to give you hope throughout the process. With my daughter, before she arrived, I would get one baby item every time I went into the store. This helped to keep hope alive in the harder times when I didn’t know if I was going to be able to follow through with the adoption. Think of clothing, toys, books, etc. You can start getting rooms renovated and decorated. Sometimes this can feel like jumping the gun but I find it helps to keep hope alive. I love to shop at Walmart for some quick things as well when you are forgetting something. Especially in foster care and you get them quickly.

5) Have a Plan– I think the biggest thing when thinking about adoption is to take steps towards what you want. It’s a lot of work filling out paperwork, choosing which agency, doing research etc. Even in foster care it’s a lot of preparation and thought that has to go into getting ready to have a child. It’s so important that you have a list of steps that you need to take in order to help you move forward into the future. Every day you can take a step closer to your process. Sometimes there will be waiting periods where there may be a lot of time. You can get anxious waiting or thinking about the process. This is a good time to make a list of action items that need to be done. Help focus on what you can control and not on what you can’t. This will help you be in a great frame of mind when you do receive news. Here’s a great way to organize your to-do list!

6) Prepare for Your Home Study- A home study can be an intimidating process. The social worker will ask you very in-depth questions about who you are and what your past experience is. This is a very vital process because they want to make sure the child that ends up in your home is a good fit for you and you will be able to give them what they need. Here’s an article that will help with exactly what they will go over. My personal advice is, to be honest about being human. We all have our things. They aren’t looking for perfection they are looking for a home that will protect, support, and give a child what they need in the way of a good family. It’s important that you have all of your records together because they will be running background checks, finances, taxes, etc. Because you will handle so much paperwork here is something I used to keep all of the information organized.

7) Gather Referal Letters- Every agency is different but they will all need referral letters. Some of them have rules about how they want those referral letters handled but this is part of the process. Have an idea ahead of time about who you are going to ask for character references. Many places prefer it not to be family members and the longer the person knows you the better. These letters can go a long way in speaking to what types of parents you will be so they are very important when it comes to who you get the letters from. Speak to the people about your desire to adopt so they know that you have been wanting this as part of how you build your family. Not everyone will be a good choice to approach about writing a letter of reference so make sure that you choose wisely.

8) Find Your Support Team– We all know the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”. Well, it’s true. It’s even more important when you adopt. That village needs to be strong because there will be days when you doubt yourself, you are exhausted, you’re emotional, or you think you made a mistake. All of these thoughts and feelings are normal throughout the process but it’s so important that you have someone there that can help you through all of those feelings. Many people don’t realize the toll that adoption can have on your emotions, wallet, mental health, and even physical health. Having a group of people that can understand and support you is vital to your success. If you don’t have family or friends that are near enough to support you you can reach out to local organizations that help to support you in the process.

9) Have Childcare Ideas Lined Up– It’s not only important to have support for yourself during this process of adoption but you will need some babysitters. Take it from me when you are way over your limit and exhausted you will need someone to come in and help even if it’s just for you to be able to take a nap. There will be questions about childcare from the social worker especially if you and your spouse are both working or if you are single how will you manage work-life balance. These are very important questions to walk through when you are going through your process. Depending on what agency or path you choose they may need to do a background check on babysitters or verify you are enrolled in child care. When you have a birth child you might now think about childcare until you need it but they will question you about this so be ready.

10) Educate Yourself– Make sure that you educate yourself on adoption issues as well as the culture of your child. It’s important that you make sure to know the information that is most vital for their success. Many times when we start a journey like this there are a lot of things that we don’t know and that’s ok. We learn as we go. I know the biggest pet peeve of mine is when I hear people say she must be grateful to you for adopting her. She didn’t get a choice so why would she be grateful. I think that it’s important that we know as adoptive parents we aren’t the saviors we are just there to give these kids the chance they always deserved because they are human. Read books about adopted kids like this book or this one. Also very important is to have a plan for parenting style. Here’s a great book on parenting adopted or foster children. The more you research the more you will be equipped to handle anything that comes at you.

11) Be Wise and Be Ready– On this adoption journey, anything can happen. It’s important that you are ready and willing to be flexible but wise. There are moments when you will have to make some very hard decisions and those are the times that you need to be able to listen to your inner voice to tell you the right path to take. Often times you will need to take a moment and make a thoughtful decision and that’s when you can know that you are ready. It’s often hard to make wise decisions in the midst of an emotional journey but often times it’s very important to look at the facts as well as the emotions.

12) Be Patient- One of the hardest things to do in this journey is to wait but often times that’s what the adoption journey is a wait. It can often be frustrating when you aren’t hearing from the people you want to hear from or getting the information you want. Usually, the social workers are working as hard as they can to make the best fit for the child and family. Be patient as you want for your child because it will be worth it in the end. This is a lifelong commitment and it will be a life-changing experience in the end. Be thankful for each step forward and know that you will never be the same at the end of the journey.

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Summer Ceviche

Equipment

Ingredients

Instructions

Notes